If you live in Bakersfield long enough you’re going to hear people complain about the litter. It really is everywhere- along the freeway, lining city streets, along the riverbed. Since everyone complains about the trash, but nobody confesses to leaving it there, I have come to the conclusion that what we have on our hands is a nefarious serial litterer.
I have seen the show “Castle” three times, “CSI” once and I’ve read like 15 Sherlock Holmes stories, so I feel pretty comfortable with using my powers of observation and deduction to track down this serial criminal in our midst. The following is my analysis of the evidence left along the Kern riverbed where it runs through the southwest of town:
First of all, the litterer, hereforth referred to as the ‘Riverbed Reveler’ takes his or her hydration seriously, as evidenced by the multitude of Styrofoam, plastic, paper, and red Solo cups that line the paths. In apprehending the target I would look for someone who is sweating profusely, panting or perhaps exhibiting dry, cracked lips.
The RR also likes to take it easy after a hard day’s work by indulging in quart size bottles of Miller High Life and smoking a few packs of cigarettes (Marlboro Cool Lights and Camel are preferred). This might lead the authorities to do random breath checks, but that would be a waste of time. The discarded toothbrush is evidence that RR doesn’t like nasty party breath.
Perhaps RR has a reason for wanting to have fresh breath. The discarded box of condoms and used pregnancy test suggest that our perp likes a good roll in the hay every now and then.
When RR is sexually frustrated or maybe doesn’t feel like getting dirt in the ol’ butt crack, it’s nice to blow off steam by shooting guns. Sometimes a shotgun (discarded casing), sometimes a Nerf dart gun (discarded Nerf darts), but either way it takes the edge off.
You know what else takes the edge off? Shopping. The Albertsons, Target, and unidentifiable, rusting out shopping carts are evidence that RR is not afraid to drop a dollar or two at the local shopping outlets. Perhaps RR has to shop so much to replace his or her lost clothing. Two knit gloves (non-matching) one athletic shoe, one blue sweatshirt and a grey thermal were all spotted by this investigator. An alternate theory is that maybe RR goes shopping so much just to get the plastic bags. There are several plastic bags filled with mysterious contents which yours truly did not work up the guts to inspect as it seemed likely that they might be filled with severed limbs.
Since no one has been able to spot RR, one might assume that this criminal is svelte and fit with tiger-like reflexes. Avoid jumping to this conclusion. I would be on the lookout for one of our more portly citizens judging from the profusion of yogurtland containers, McDonalds packaging and chip bags.
Assembling these clues into solid profile, the authorities should be on the look out for a horny, chubby, thirsty, smoking, nerf-gun toting shopaholic.
You’re welcome.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Okay. It’s me. Damn, your sleuthing skills are good!
Between my sleuthing and your puns, we could make a great crime series- CSI Bakersfield.
A lot of people can talk trash, but what sets you apart from the other dumpster divers is how quickly you get to the bottom of it! =P
I only said that for the puns. Don’t be offended.
No offense taken. Only the thick-skinned survive in this business.