The Definition of Irony
I have a very distinct memory of being 11 years old and walking to the gas station/mini-mart a mile from my house. “When I’m a grown up,” I told myself as I walked along the shoulder of the road, “I will get a job and buy all the candy I want.”  Now that I am an adult, I have a job (sort of) and can indeed buy all the goddamned candy on the shelves, but I spend 43% of my waking hours trying to stop myself from eating candy.
So for those juniors in high school who got back a paper today and on it in capital red letters your teacher screamed ‘Ironical is not a word!’ , here is an example for you. Feel free to use it. It should work quite nicely with that essay you’re writing on “Gift of the Magi”.
The Definition of Chaos
A year and a half ago I wrote a post in which I grappled with my addiction to my neti pot. For those who missed it, it was very gritty, kind of like Breaking Bad meets Requiem for a Dream in a health food store. Thanks to that post, guess who has now become the Internet’s #1 source for neti pot addictions? This gal. When neti pot junkies finally hit bottom and google ‘neti pot addiction’ this site comes up not only in the top ten, but in the very first spot.
Do I know anything about holistic health? I do not. Am I a nasal specialist? I am not. Do I know anything about treating addicts? Nope. And yet, when that woman in Singapore googled ‘addicted to nose pot’ she was sent directly to my site, thanks to the total confusion and disorder of the Internet. So to the person who googled ‘can i use teapot as netti pot’, I honestly don’t know. I’m swimming in the abyss of the Internet, just like you.
 When people asked what I wanted to be, I always gave them an acceptable answer- like a veterinarian or a pediatrician, but all I really wanted was unfettered access to candy.