I decided I didn’t feel like driving to the gym today, so I scripted for myself a little at-home workout with weights, a jump rope and loud music. The following is a loose translation of my dogs’ understanding of the home workout situation.
Tricep Dips- 15 reps
Oh hey, what’s happening? You’re coming down for a little snuggle? Whoa! Now you’re up. Now down? Just, just stay in one place so I can lick your face. It’s so impossible when you keep moving like this.
Shoulder Press- 10 reps
Well that’s a strange looking ball, but if you’re willing to throw it, you know I’m ready to chase it. Ohmygodthereitgoes! Wait? You’re not throwing it? No! No! I can see now that you are going to throw it! You put it in the air, yet you don’t throw it. What kind of monster are you?
Jump Rope- 2 minutes
As I turn the rope, the dog cowers and starts sliding on her belly. I, I am so sorry master, for whatever I have done to displease you. I pray that you don’t beat me with that rope, only if you must, I ask that you do it gently. Mind you, this is the dog that has eaten my Sam Edelman shoes, crapped on the carpet, chewed covers off of library books and hidden feminine hygiene products in my bed. And I have never once hit her. As soon as I start jumping rope it’s as if “In the Arms of an Angel” is playing at full, pitiful volume in my dog’s head.
Push- ups- 5 reps
Wrestle time! Isn’t it fun when I jump on your back? How about this? Do you like this when I lick your ear? Isn’t that fun?! Oh, Oh, you should lick my ear! Wouldn’t that be fun? Oh yay! Yes! Push me away, I know what that means! It means you want me to get an even bigger running start. Here goes nothing!
The Chihuahua, by the way, just sat back and watched the whole scene with a sort of superior, disgusted attitude.